This page is 20 years in coming, I know. I used to believe I shouldn’t write it until I was sure of everything, but that happened long ago. Everything I write here will be as true as I can make it. Not all of my memories are crystal clear on every detail of what I remember, felt, or saw at the time, but the following represents my best recollections of all of it.
Name: Alynna Trypnotk
Phenotype: Fae kitsune
I’m primarily a fae kitsune, or a fae fox, I consider myself to be both therian and otherkin, because alot of my vulpine nature tends towards the feral, I feel as much me on four paws as I do on two. The fae part of me is fox phouka.
Disclaimer: I am also the median of a slightly multiple system (there are 3 other aspects to me), which I believe are manifestations of past lives, possibly with me incarnating as them more than a few times, so that the memories of lives of them stuck out a bit more. They are dragon, rabbit and unicorn, but they tend to stay in the background unless something relevant comes up.
The first signs of awakening I had when I was 7. I was walking to school one day in heavy snow, when I felt a punch in my entire body. I was looking around me for a while and saw noone around. And then I noticed that my watch had died (it was a kids digital watch) and that my tracks had been snowed over. Not being able to unravel that mystery, I proceeded to school. When I got there, I found out I was 1/2 hour late. I’m not sure why but instead of getting in trouble, I was escorted to the nurses office.
I noticed that the nurse had fairy wings, and while this is not the first time I noticed things ‘off’ in the world, it is the first time I saw fairy wings on people. Later on I saw them on my grandmother, and she had fairy nic-nacks all over the house so I suppose that makes sense.
After that I started having the dreams. I only know they were fox dreams in retrospect, and by that I mean I figured that out in about 1997. When I was a kid I didn’t really have the context to know what a fox was, I only saw them in pictures and cartoons. I had other dreams as well, of forces that unmade things, but that’s side tracking.
Before I had internet, I thought I was either a cat or a dog. Really couldn’t figure out which one I was between the two because I had similar traits to both. I hit the internet in about 1994, and eventually I found myself to a newsgroup called alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die. I really hated Barney, for some reason to me he represented something evil, something that just wanted to turn off minds and get people to accept banal existence. But ultimately this is only relevant because its where I met my first dragon. Someone came over and asked us not to refer to Barney as the HellWyrm because it offended dragons and he was a dragon…
This was the first time I ever encountered anyone who did not believe themselves to be human, and it started a whole new path for me, because I found out there were others like me.
For a while I thought I was a dragon, but it turned out that was not the primary part of me. I went under the name Loxorion for that time. There is a part of me that was still dragon, but I believe that he (Lox was more male than female but was still both) was just preparing to push me out. At that point I thought I was still a cat, but got into a discussion with an early otherkin group about my inability to figure out whether I was more cat or dog, and I will never remember who but someone mentioned foxes. This was about late 1996. I started researching foxes heavily and that’s really when I realized I had a perfect match. In all the ways I was like a cat, foxes are like cats, and all the ways I am like a dog, foxes are.
I still didn’t come out as a fox until 1998. I hesitated to come out as a fox also partly because of the furry fandom where I knew foxes had a ‘rep’ that I didn’t really fit into. But eventually I started inching my way out.
Somehow I already knew my name. I’ve been Alynna since the first day I acknowledged I’m a fox, and I remember the exact date, 5/23/1998. I actually didn’t know anything about kitsune, but I knew I had multiple tails. I knew that because I had the phantom limb sensation (I still do actually) and knew there was more than one of something back there.
When I first came out as a fox, I had 5 tails. Someone asked me if I was a kitsune because I had 5 tails, and I told them I didn’t know what one was. But I started researching them as well, and finding out what they are helped quantify alot of my past life memories into something that made sense. I had seen things like torii in my dreams but had no idea what they were until I started researching kitsune…
I also knew I had wings, but they were butterfly wings. They were things I saw both in introspection (self-visualizations) and felt as phantom wings. They were like the same wings I saw on my grandmother (I think this was actually passed down, as I am descended directly from an Irish clan that was said to be fae blooded).
Because of that I believe I am both fae and kitsune (and really both are types of spirits, so its not that unusual for both to share a nature) and probably a product of early interactions between Europe and the far east.
I have alot of past life memories, everything from just living as a fox, hunting, having kits, and dying, to being in courtly settings as a kitsune. Sometime i’ll get into more detail than this.
With the exception of growing a 6th tail sometime between 1998 and now (I actually don’t know when it happened but after 3 artists drew me with 6 tails when I actually commissioned for 5, I decided to take a hint and look into it and, well, it was there), I have pretty much been the same fae fox for the last 17 years, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
To be honest I have had a hard time in the therian community due to being not ‘purely fox’, and in the period 1998-2002 i’d say, I was grilled heavily, rejected and banned from many places just because I had fae attributes or even more than one tail. I felt I had to fight for acceptance at that point and eventually I was, but looking back on it I doubt it was because of my own efforts but because of the many absurdities popping up claiming to be kin or therian, that what I am just didn’t look so abnormal anymore. From 1998 to 2002 I’d say I hung out in communities that accepted me even though I thought them to be fluffy, and after that, less fluffy but more accepting communities popped up that I stayed in.
I founded a few of my own, the biggest one being Kitsuhana which still exists. I founded it because I was rejected from a livejournal community called Shrine of Inari, and was so frustrated I just said f–k it and decided that I could do it better myself.
Now to this way, I still have regular dreams of being a fox, many of them are like, linear, like I am waking up as a fox in some of my dreams and waking back up as a human when I get up in the morning. I feel my fox ears more than my tails these days, though I still feel both, I think for some reason I am just more used to the tails. The phantom tails prevent me from sleeping on my back most of the time.
In the end I could be totally crazy, and I’ve considered that many times. But I have built mental constructs that are fairly effective in translating fox things to human ones and vice versa, and get along well enough in life that the paddy wagons aren’t on their way, so.. I feel like i’m a fox spirit in a human body that has learned to cope.